Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Coming Out?

Coming out telling someone you REALLY REALLY LIKE about your medical past/status is so HARD!!!

Anyway, life goes on I guess.




Friday, July 12, 2013

Thoughts Today

I'm thinking. And I've been thinking. As usual. Mostly about my dysphoria - my discomfort with the look of my genitals and how that constantly shapes how I think, how I interact with people (esp in public), and so forth.

To be honest, a lot of it has to do with relationships and relating. Yes, I have met many guys (and girls) who have absolutely no issue with my large clit, but I just can't shake away the thought (and maybe you could say reality) that it is a penis. I can create words for it, and say that it is a clit, since it resides on my body - a female body, but it looks like a penis. Thus, it is one. I lived as male for 22 years. I can't run away from that. I don't look male at all - or so people tell me. But I still see shreds of masculinity in my body. Like the tiny bump on my neck, the remnants of "5 O'clock shadow", the large clit ... the lack of a pussy. All these. They somewhat define how I live life.
I like how this gorgeous transwoman puts it in this (not so well interviewed) interview. Amiyah Scott.
She so pretty!

Pretty Ogre ....

I'm also thinking about how quickly I become undesirable once I reveal the reality of 'what's down there' and my past life. So quickly. It's like a switch.

I meet this guy, we talk, we flirt, we like stuff about each other, he really finds me interesting and intriguing. Until he finds out I have a past life as male. All that is interesting about me suddenly becomes moot. Disappears. Gone. I suddenly am reduced to "that girl has no vagina?" person. Nothing more. Maybe even less/worse.

Now I just want to stop telling them altogether. I may as well remain on my own.

Maybe I feel that time is passing away and the gender affirming surgery seems so far away ... maybe I am craving a little more.
Patience. That's what I'm telling myself. Patience. And focus.
It shall come.

Monday, July 8, 2013

I Wanna Wear A Bikini!!

I was responding to a comment made by one of my readers Brandi Rae on a previous post"I'm Jealous of Cissexual Women" Here's her comment:

I'm so sorry for the extra difficulties, discrimination, and drama you must put up with just because you are trans*. But I wanted to tell you, that the people in your life who decide not to be close to you based on your body meeting their expectations...those are not the people you need to share closeness with. The people who will love you for the woman you are, regardless of the package you're wrapped in...those are the people you need to hold close and not let go. And they are out there, I promise!

I am a ciswoman myself, and I am naturally hetero, mostly interested in men, and I do love cismale anatomy... however, if I loved a man and found him sexy and wanted to be close to him, and then found out he happened to have a V instead of a P, it actually wouldn't be a big deal at all for me. ALL bodies are sacred, all intimacy is a gift and privilege to cherish, and EVERYONE should be able to feel sexy and desirable in the body they have.

So if you wish to have surgery, I hope you can do so, but I hope you're not convinced you need it, just to make a potential partner happy. I hope you would be doing it to make yourself happy.

Remember, that with many surgeries, you might not ever enjoy sex as much, or you may never experience orgasm again, due to nerves being cut or scar tissue, etc. So it's not something you should do just in case your future partner would like it better. YOU are the one who will live in your body forever, so make the decision for YOU. Besides, there are lots of people out there who have no trouble finding a body sexy, because they love who is inside it. I hope you do find them. I wish you so much happiness! Sending internet love and hugs! <3 em="">
My reply to her was:

Hi Brandi,

I think my fear mostly with surgery is about that - loss of sensation and sexual appetite and the like. I hope it doesn't go away since I do do want to have the surgery. And no, it is not for the pleasure of anyone but of my self! I abhor the way my genitals look, feel and behave. I want to be able to wear a bikini and walk around Mombasa beaches without a care in the world. Right now that is but a dream. I have won swimming costumes but it is a one piece with a skirt-like cover around the waist area - to hide any bulges that might protrude.

Thanks for the well wishes though! I know I will find love someday :-)
 While I was making the comment, it reminded me of how Isis King had a hard time when doing photo shoots that required her to be in a bikini. She spoke of how she'd 'keep everything intact' using tape and I'd think to myself "Gosh, I can't do that! Maybe use sanitary pads!" Just look at her before she had surgery:

I didn't want to show the pictures where she's spreading her legs (boy do I hate that! Reminds me of a time I was with this guy and he kept wanting me to spread my legs around him and I couldn't and he didn't know why - eventually I had to tell him. Huh! He wasn't interested! :-( )

After the end of ANTM, she had her surgery thanks to help from Tyra Banks and bam! She could do sexy poses such as these:

 We all know where we're looking at right? Yup, the crotch! I WANT THAT! I want to be able to spread my legs comfortably and not worry about a bulge or 'things falling apart'. And I want it so bad! Not for anyone, not for a relationship, but for myself. For me to feel COMPLETE.

I know it will happen one day, I guess I just can't wait anymore!



Sunday, July 7, 2013

I'm NOT a Man, Never "Used to be" a Man

The other day Audrey Mbugua came into the limelight in Kenyan news when she filed a suit against the Kenya National Examinations Council (KNEC) on their refusal to change her documents as per her name change. She wants them to change the documents to reflect her changed name but they kept taking her round and round.

If you want to read more about Audrey Mbugua and her work, see her articles on

I met this guy in a club. I could tell clearly that he wasn't exposed to a lot in life as he claimed to be, considering the club had a lot of queer people in it. As we were dancing, he happened to touch my genital area. Twice. I was freaking out a little. Later while we were talking he asked me

"Are you a man who wants to be a woman?"

I almost threw up on him! I told him I am not a man, heard that? NOT A MAN, NEVER HAVE BEEN, NEVER USED TO BE!

I find that a lot of people while referring to transfolk will say "Oh that guy used to be a girl" or "You know she used to me a man" and stuff like that.


Once I came to the full realization of my self and my person, it was clear that I never used to be a man. I may have lived as a man yes, but I never was one.

So to all who interact with transpeople. The gender they are is the gender they are. It isn't their "new gender". Get it?

Related Posts with Thumbnails