Saturday, January 12, 2013

I'm Jealous of Cissexual Women

This is deeply personal. I don't like talking about my body and sharing of it. But maybe it will help you understand a bit about being trans and being sexual.

Yea. I admit. I am jealous.

Sometimes I even wonde what the guys who sleep with me see in me. I don't have the V so I can't do certain things. Its hard.

Sex is complicated for me. Very.

I try manouver around it. Have mental images during coitus, but its always a tall order.

Its not the first time I'm talking about sex.

Maybe because I've been having a lot of it lately? Or not? Or overthinking it?

Sharing my body is one of the most hardest things I can do. I only do it with someone who I deeply care for, and I can tell they do so to me too. I've been hurt before. No one wants to be hurt.

But that isn't the point.

I hardly enjoy sex. I don't think I will ever 'fully' enjoy it untill I actually do the surgery. It sounds kinda pathetic. Some of my friends get me but they still look at me with those eyes that say "you need to get a hold of yourself, girl! you're pretty!"

Whenever I'm naked in bed with a guy, I'm thinking "I gotta hide it. Chics don't have 'that thing down there', they have a V. So in order for him to see me as a girl I gotta hide it. Ignore it. Pretend it doesn't exist. He shouldn't even touch it! Darn! Its in the way. I wish I'd just cut it off and be over with it."

Several times I get hit on. And I see those eyes screaming "I wanna do you so bad!" but in my head I'm like, "Yeah. You have no idea what you're dealing with"

Maybe I should relax. Take a break. Slow down. Focus on work. Yeah. I will focus more on work and less on sex and men and all that sh!t.

Have a jolly good time y'all!


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