Thursday, December 6, 2012

Pretty Ogre


Its late. I am with this nice guy and we are having fun.
Lots of dancing, kissing, petting...its so nice.
We are enjoying each others company. Even making others around us jealous.
We go home. To his place. Its easier, I figure.
I tell him a little about why I rarely have sex. He is not convinced.
We pet some more. He gets his conviction. His 'friend' dies down.
This is way too complicated for him, he says. He isn't ready any more.
Yet wanted me so bad. He just can't do this.
I pull up my panties. Turn to the other side. Tears in my eyes.
Wishing I was the jealous girl dancing alone.
She would've just done it, easy peezy.
But no, not me.
I gotta keep explaining. Explain why its complicated.
Why I'm messed up...messed up down there.
Why I just cant 'do it that way'.
I know I'm pretty.
But I turn into an ogre when I drop my panties.

It happened again. I met another.
He saw me from across the bar counter. His eyes gleaming.
I could see them drooling over me. Looking at me like I was prey.
I thought he was cute; a little older though.
He came to me. Asked me if I could dance with him.
I agreed. How could I say no to those eyes?
We danced. I liked it. He liked it. Our eyes locking into deep sensation.
Dancing to the tunes of Rihanna. "Man down..."
We left the club. Got into his car. Started making out.
Mmmh.. I moaned. Good kisser. "Less teeth..." I advised him.
Kissed some more. Groped. I went down. I liked it. Tasted good.
He reached for my crotch. I panicked. I jumped. "No, don't go there.."
"Why, what's wrong baby?" He asked. I didn't answer. Turned away.
"Let me love you..." He reached for it again. "Stop. I need to leave"
I wanted him. He wanted me. So bad.
I wouldn't do it. It ain't easy peezy.
I gotta keep explaining. Explain why its complicated.
Why I'm messed up...messed up down there.
I know I'm pretty.
But I turn into an orge when I drop my panties.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Of Tucking and Peeing


You all know by now that girls like us who are yet to 'fix' things 'down there' have to deal with awkward situations regarding tucking. Its one of our really disturbing issues we have to deal with on a daily basis.

I've complained before about having an awkward walk from the bus stage to my place of work, in a skirt, and with 'that thing down there' trying to make life difficult for me. Yet again, I deal with it today. *sigh* Just reminds me how badly I really need to do my surgery!


I actually prefer peeing standing up! Yeah, I know... not so lady-like! But... I guess I am 'enjoying' this 'priviledge' while I can... surgery's coming up soon!!



Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Its My Life

Hey guys,

Hope you are all doing well.

I know it’s been a while, a long while, since I posted anything.

Well, it’s just that there's not been much happening to post about.

But this time around, I have a few things I want to get off my chest.

First of all, let me just update y’all on a few things.

I started applying for my new I.D. back in March but its not been forthcoming. They’ve been taking me round and round in circles and now I’m tired. I’m still following up on it.

The hormones are going on well, though I’m still kinda bummed that by boobs aren't growing bigger L

Anyway, the reason for my post today is BOYS.

Yeah, I've written about boys quite a number of times I know… but its always an issue.

First of all let me just say that for trans women, the ultimate goal is to look/feel/be a woman completely and especially to the public eye. Putting it simply, it is a goal of us to look so ourselves that no one can notice anything ‘off’. However, not all of us are lucky enough to get to that point.

I myself am lucky that I do. And with this comes some ‘shortfalls’. I'm talking about being hit on. Yes, not the first time I'm talking about this eh?

So what do I do when I get hit on? What happens when I've found a really nice guy who likes me, thinks I'm hot and everything and even takes me to his room and kisses me. What do I do when he wants to put his leg between mine? What do I tell him when I refuse? What does he think?

Well, that incident happened. And I just had to tell him. I sent him this note:


I thought I should just tell you what's bothering me and why I was so uneasy with you.

I am a trans woman. I was born with male genitalia and raised as a boy. But I've always been a girl. I've been living as a girl since 2009. I've had surgery to remove the testes and I've been on female hormones for over 2 years.

Being trans is not like being a homosexual. I have gender dysphoria. It means when I was developing in my mothers womb, my brain developed female but my body developed (mostly) male. Its a genetic/mental condition. I am happy now that I live my life the way I have always wanted.

I had a rough childhood and early adulthood. I am glad I was able to 'fix' things.

I haven't yet had the sex affirming surgery - to give me a vagina. So I still have that thing down there. That's why I was so uncomfortable with spreading my legs.

I don't know how this is going to make you feel or how you are going to take me after this. If you feel offended that I didn't tell you upfront, I am really sorry. Very sorry. Its not easy telling people these things. You never know what may happen.

Hope you understand.

Take care.


That was my email to him. He took it well; though I'm not sure exactly how he feels about it.

See, men, your typical straight ones, like pretty ladies with vajayjays. Not with other stuff dangling there. It’s not attractive.

It’s such a downer for us trans girls. A friend of mine is going through the same thing. She had to reveal to this guy she was seeing that she was trans and now he is having a hard time taking it in.

Both of us felt that it would be lovely to just have the gender affirming surgery as soon as possible: just to avoid such scenarios. But the surgery is so expensive it is way out of reach for many of us. One needs like $10,000 to $20,000 for it! Where on earth would one get such amounts!? *sigh*

Oh well. This is our life. We are different. We deal with it.


XOXO lovelies!

Thursday, June 21, 2012

No Drag Queen Here

I'm not a drag queen. I think people here already know that. I'm not hating on drag queens either.

I just thought to mention a few differences though; just so people don't confuse us trans women with drag queens.

RuPaul - Famous drag queen

  • Drag queens like to dress up and "look fabulous" "hot" or something of the sort. We are actually trying to live our lives as who we are; its not something we "dress up" for.
  • Drag queens are all about acting feminine and looking the part. We struggle to be seen as our true selves. We don't even want to be overly feminine but we sometimes think the more feminine we are the more accepted we are. Acting is the last thing on our minds.
Of course there is much more info out there about why drag queens are not trans women and the like.



Friday, May 11, 2012

Interview: “Man, I Feel Like a Woman”

I did another interview with UP Nairobi - Nairobi's Urban Perspective. Check it out.

“Man, I Feel Like a Woman”

Who knew putting on a line of lipstick and confidently walking down the street could be an act of liberation? Or that slipping on a pair of kitten heels or feeling the soft fabric of a simple frock on your skin, could be a slice of heaven? This month, Wanjeri Gakuru talks to a transgender on why she is hell-bent on having the world see her as a woman—the person she really is.

Lindsay*, is a striking, cocoa-skinned lady in her midtwenties. She comes across as a bubbly, fun-loving, typical Nairobi girl. But there’s nothing typical about  Lindsay. “I began my transition in late 2009. So far, I’ve been on hormone replacement therapy (HRT) and undergone a bilateral orchidectomy (removal of testes) to eliminate production of testosterone,” says the confident finance assistant at a local NGO.

You see, Lindsay is a transwoman (a male-to-female transsexual or transgender person). In the past three years, she has continued to make greater strides towards womanhood, going so far as changing the name on her identification cards. “The next step is definitely the main surgery, that is, the gende raffirming surgery. I’m not sure when that will happen. It costs quite a tidy amount so I have to keep saving,” Lindsay says. In keeping with this month’s theme on women, we sought Lindsay’s take on the gift of womanhood.

When were you first aware of your feminine feelings?
I usually say that I knew there was something amiss from when I was as young as six or seven years old. But I knew clearly what “it” was called when I discovered the Internet in 2000.

How did your family and friends take it?
I told my mom and aunties about seven years ago. My mom took it well. She assured me that we would go through this together. My aunties didn’t all take it well at the beginning and, in fact, one of them was really against all of it. When I finally began living as my true self, she slowly came to terms with reality and nowadays is more at ease.
As for my friends, well, I had to tell them eventually, but most of them came to learn of it when an interview about me was published in 2010. It was anonymous, but most of my former schoolmates somehow put two and two together.

Has their reaction, good or bad, changed over the years?
At first, most of my schoolmates had very hateful words to say. I remember one of them taking my picture from my Facebook profile and posting it on to his wall, and then tagging most of the schoolmates we had in common. But somewhere along the lines, some good comments started popping up.
A few months later, I met this particular schoolmate and he told me he was sorry for what he did, and he only did it because it was new to him and it took him by surprise. And that was [just] the first reaction that came to him at the time.

What gave you the courage to take the first step towards becoming a woman?
I always tell people that we don’t “become” women (or men in  the case of transmen), but  hey are the gender they are, only that the outside shows something different. I just felt that I couldn’t continue living a lie anymore, and I was done with it. Life as a male was miserable and I couldn’t consider a fruitful life.

Why is it important for the world to see you as a woman?
Because I am. I am myself and that’s what I want the world to see, to see me. The real me. When I lived as male, I put on a “mask” every morning. I told myself, “Time to be a man, time to man up”  every morning. It wasn’t easy, despite having acting capabilities. I still failed severely, often revealing my hidden identity and creating confusion in those around me. I hated it. That’s why it is important for me to be me.

As you stand now, nearly at the end of your transition, how has your understanding of femininity evolved?
Initially, femininity to me was very laden with patriarchal ways of thinking: Women had certain roles and responsibilities in society, and men had the same. But now that I am myself, I am able to define what femininity means to me. It doesn’t mean that to be feminine I have to wear dresses, or put on make up, or be naive or anything. Heck, I don’t need to prove my femininity to anyone. Femininity is a whole lot of things, but it is mostly understanding yourself as you are and embracing it fully as a woman, or just as feminine.

Do you ever worry that people can notice that you are transgender?
Yes, all the time! It is a constant mental battle I have daily, telling myself that I am okay, that even if they know, so what? But I worry about it all the time, despite being told constantly that people can’t notice at all.

What’s the best thing about being a woman?
Ha ha ha! I’m not sure how to answer that, but I can tell you that the best thing about being myself is that I can actually be myself! It is a thrilling feeling I have every day, being able to walk out of the house and people treat me as a woman and not a man, as I used to be treated. That’s a feeling I doubt I will ever get used to.

Are you dating? How’s that experience been for you?
Yes, I am. In the beginning it was difficult. I used to have boyfriends even before I began transitioning, but it never felt right. I’ve never identified as gay, and so the thought that someone would see me as such wasn’t something I liked. I was so scared that I ruined several relationships by saying things I didn’t mean to the people I was in a relationship with. Two good relationships were broken like that. But I met someone special, and he’s been good to me ever since. It was difficult at first, seeing that he was straight and I was still living as male. But we took it real slow and we are still going strong. One of the things I find interesting nowadays is that when I go out and meet guys and they happen to learn about my history, most of them are accepting and say, “I still like you the way you are.”

Who do you see when you look into a mirror?
I see me. The me I always wanted to see all those years. The me I deserve to be.
*Not her real name.

Hope you liked it. I did!



Saturday, February 18, 2012

Of Gender Reassignment Surgery


Yes, I haven't posted a thing this year. Sorry. Hope this year has began well for you.

I've been thinking of GRS a lot lately. I think it is because I am at a stage where life has become sort of stagnant, transition-wise. I am taking my medication as usual and its now almost two years since I had the orchie. According to a website I read a while ago, it takes roughly two years for one to fully develop breasts. I so want that to be false! Mine are still small and I really want them to grow more. I just hope it happens soon.

About the surgery, its more of a money issue rather than a choice issue. I do want to have the surgery, and if I had the means, I'd do it NOW! However, I don't. And I don't see myself coming by that kind of money any time soon.

A friend of mine went to Thailand recently and when he was going I asked him to find out for me roughly how much it would cost now to have the surgery there, Thailand being world renowned for having the best GRS centres & surgeons & at affordable costs. He told me it would be roughly 12,000 USD (1M Kes). That's a shocker!

The interesting part is that I can do this surgery in my country but the hospital lawyers completely refuse anyone who wants to do the surgery to have it. They say its a sensitive matter that would have legal implications later. You understand that? Me neither.

Anyway, I will try focus on other things in life as I wait for the right time for my surgery. I will also try and enjoy life now as I am truly blessed.


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